Wednesday, February 08, 2006





My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic?

Call France!

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mesamis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our! neighbors. Canada is on List 2 Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from ! America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America! Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.


Blogger Amanda said...

WOW!!! I have SO many thoughts about this email. First of all, I would love any president to say we are withdrawing troops immediately. After that, I do not know what exactly to say. I am usually in agreement with your positions on certain things, which is the reason I check back semi frequently to see what other political rantings may appear here, but there are so many things following troop withdrawl that I either do not agree with or have certain "issues" with. One being the withdrawl of support for third world nations that may not have supported us in the war. First of all, as a point, I would like to bring up that MANY Americans did not support our being involved in this war and so to say that we should withdraw any and all support from those nations with opposing views would be just like saying to the Americans who did not believe that because they did not agree with the war that we should say F*** you. I think many nations were smart not to get involved. Besides, how much support can a nation like Guyana provide when they can't even get their own situations straight? Overall, I agree that we should concentrate on fixing the socio-economic problems we face here. Look at Detroit for example... OR even New Orleans... We should have a bigger focus on improvement within our borders but to isolate others and say we will not support them now or ever is DANGEROUS. Other people already see us as arrogant enough. We might want to monitor how we come across to other countries and provided we supply them with a better image of our nation, they might feel a little better about supporting us. Other than that, I do not know what to say... I might have to sleep on this and figure it out later...

Wednesday, February 08, 2006 11:08:00 PM  
Blogger Diane S. said...

I am simply appalled.

Saturday, April 08, 2006 11:34:00 AM  
Blogger SHELTONSFAMILY said...

Why appalled? What are your thoughts?

Monday, April 10, 2006 11:17:00 AM  
Blogger Diane S. said...

Okay. I'm trying to be less long-winded in my commentary, but since I am invited, I shall expound.

The thought of immediate troop withdrawal from Iraq is my fondest hope. I firmly believe the country will disintegrate into a protracted civil war with or without our intervention, that our going there in the first place was folly of the gravest nature, and that the best way to support our military is to remove them from such fool's errands.

Also on the "not appalled" side: I'd be delighted to abrogate NAFTA, and start enforcing parking regulations on members of the UN.

I also believe we have serious domestic issues here at home which need be addressed. I believe the best way to do this is to quit throwing money at the War in Iraq and spend it more prudently at home. I find it simply not credible to believe that if the ideas listed in this email were actualized, that America would turn instead to solving the problems of domestic hunger and homelessness. I have found no evidence that the groups which propogate such emails have any real concern for the homeless or hungry. Rather to the contrary, I find that such groups blame the homeless, the hungry, and the poor for their own plight, and believe that helping them is encouraging them to remain in their present unenviable state.

The idea of severing ties with the countries wise enough to not have supported our invasion of Iraq is sheer foolishness and sickens me. Our behavior towards the French has been especially unforgivable, and it can hardly be a source of wonder that the French find Americans rude, pushy, and arrogant.

Further, as the richest nation on earth, I believe we have a moral obligation to offer our assistance where ever it is needed. I must also point out that cutting out our foreign aid will make little difference in our deficit. Americans tend to greatly overestimate the amount of money we spend on foreign aid. It is a paltry sum.

Most of the third world countries which we provide substantial financial resources to are those whose governments were instituted by us and exist to protect our economic interests. Americans tend to greatly overestimate our truly selfless acts. They are few.

Removing our troops from Germany would be a grave mistake, as would resigning from NATO. We are doing far too little to serve our allies as it is. We are, in fact, squandering the good will of our allies at such an amazing pace it is a wonder we have any left.

The whole issue of border security with Mexico is fraught with racism and xenophobia. Also President Fox has been a true friend to America, and the disparraging remarks about his administration are unwarranted. Especially at a time when we are so ill situated to be casting stones.

The Canadians have been steadfast friends to America. To devalue their friendship in such a manner makes me ashamed.

America has quite a reputation for being a smug and rude member of the global community. Emails like this do nothing to recommend us to the world at large and further erode an imperilled global image.

I am weary of the smug, self-satisfied, righteousness of the neo-con movement. I am shocked at the idea that the rest of the world should somehow exist to serve us, an idea which is increasingly common and thinly veiled. I am saddened by the stunning lack of kindness, compassion, and humility which has come to characterize our government. I fear we have lost our moral compass. Not the self-righteous compass; we have a firm grip on that one. But the real moral compass; the one based upon the idea that each life is one of boundless worth, that the globe is indeed our family, and that we should all seek to alleviate sufferng where ever we are able.

Monday, April 10, 2006 8:39:00 PM  
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